It takes a village?

IT DOES TAKE A VILLAGE! But our culture has embraced the myth of rugged individualism so intensely that many of us quite literally *don’t even know how to ask for help.* It should not be surprising to anyone, then, that we find ourselves in the midst of a national parental mental health crisis.

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It’s time to admit that we are vulnerable, limited humans who simply cannot do it all. After giving birth, you NEED hands-on help, guidance, and wisdom from someone who has “been there, done that.” It’s just not optional. Unfortunately, many of us don’t have the privilege of living in proximity to the type of village that would provide the support we require.

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The only thing to do is ASK. It may seem awkward at first. It may go against your every instinct to reach out and request a little help from the people around you. But if you practice, I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised by how people show up for each other when a need is identified.

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What does that look like? Here are some ideas.

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1) REGISTER FOR SERVICES! Skip the fancy bassinet and top-of-the-line 1000 thread count crib sheets. Ask for a meal service, a few weeks of cleaning services, or a postpartum doula. These services are often way more affordable and accessible than you think. Prioritize getting practical help.

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2) Try your local moms group on Facebook. Say, “I’m a FTM without any family nearby and I’m really nervous. Are there any experienced moms in here who might have time to give me some guidance in the first few months? Coffee is on me!”

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3) Approach your neighbors or coworkers who’ve had kids. Tell them you are worried about how you’ll cope during your maternity leave. Ask for their best tips. Odds are, those moms are gonna show up with a casserole. If you’re already home with baby, call them and ask if they have any time next week to visit for a couple of hours. You’d be shocked at the difference one visit from an experienced mom can make when you’re struggling.

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Was this helpful? Let me know!

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4th trimester

Things you shouldn’t have to deal with for at least 40 days after giving birth:

Laundry

Uninvited guests

Judgement

Meal planning

Comparisons

Hosting holidays

Cleaning up after other adults

Negativity

So you’ve made a registry, and decorated the nursery. You are preparing for labor, choosing an approach, maybe writing a birth plan. You have probably spent time researching the needs of newborns, making sure you’re prepared to look after your baby. But - have you given thought to how you’ll care for your own self after birth?

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Beyond padscicles and adult diapers, birthing parents need a lot of time and attention in order to properly heal and adjust to their new reality.

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Western culture tells us we should get back to being productive as soon as possible. Ancient wisdom instructs that we respect the sacred nature of the postpartum experience. It’s critical that you protect your mental and physical health during this transition. Planning ahead can make all the difference. If you haven’t considered who will take over all your regular household duties for the first few months after baby is born, it’s time to do so.

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Is help a privilege? Yes, of course. But it’s also deserved. So ask. Ask your neighbor if they can take your garbage to the curb. Ask other parents in your neighborhood if your older kids can go for a few extra play dates. Ask your extended family to be considerate about when they come by, and ask that they please be useful if they are going to visit.

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What will you ask for as you prepare to enter the 4th trimester? Tell me ⬇️

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#maternalhealth #pregnancylife #pregnantmama #newbaby #whattoexpect #postpartumlife #ppdawareness #babyontheway #preggolife #preggo

Breastfeeding, MOTN wakeups, and partnership

I’m going to cut to the chase. It often happens that after a week or two at home, new mothers who are breastfeeding let their partner off the hook for getting up with the baby at night. Often the situation is that the non-birthing partner has to go back to work, so it’s decided that “it’s pointless for both of us to be exhausted when only one of us can feed the baby.”

Now - if it truly works for your family to have the breastfeeding parent do all the overnight infant wakeups while the other sleeps through the night - great! But I think it’s often a mistake, for one important reason - the mental health of the mother.

The hours spent nursing and soothing an infant in the middle of the night get lonely, at best. Being awoken by a furious baby every 2-3 hours, and made to stay awake at all hours of the night, for many nights in a row has also been described by many as downright harrowing. This is where it becomes

important for the partner to step up, at least to

*some* degree. A feeing of solidarity and teamwork are so valuable when you have an infant. And, two sets of hands helps keep the awake time shorter and less stressful - for example, if one parent breastfeeds, then wakes the other if diapering or rocking back to sleep is required.

I could go on. There is also the fact that being up in the middle of the night with a baby is real

bonding time, when the parent is learning all sorts of things about their baby, and about parenting. Why should the non-breastfeeding parent be denied that opportunity to learn and grow as a parent?

Bottom line? Being up together is not “pointless.” The point is support, participation. Connectedness.

Finally: if you ultimately decide that the breastfeeding parent will handle all the overnight wakeups, it is ESSENTIAL that there is a well-thought out plan in place for how that parent can catch up on rest. Severe lack of sleep is a huge risk factor for PPD/PPA. It might mean paying for help so mom can get more naps in during the day. Or it might mean picking up the housework slack so mom can go to bed at 7pm with baby. In any case - don’t let a new breastfeeding mom stay perpetually exhausted.

What are your thoughts? Drop them in the comments.

#maternalhealth #maternalmentalhealth #breastfeedingtips #newbornmom #lifewithbaby #postpartum #postpartumdoula